I wish there was a way for me to explain myself. If only i could blame it on my father or on my mother. That's me... constantly looking for an excuse. Why do i need to look for an escape? Why can i not be content with that one, sweet little body. That voice that plays with animals. Why can't i long for it. Am i that afraid or is it just that i never really wanted it in the first place.. All of these questions.. All of those answers swimming around in my head. I have a brain full of songs and lyrics, stories and memoirs. All of them telling in their own little way. a cipher in it's own way.. but you can never crack it can you? you can never pull apart the story walls. Never reverse long enough to know what is really happening.. never step back and see me as the messthat i am. you see a boy, crying for help.. poor and broken.. why do you need me?
WHy are these things so hard to explain. How can we change them.. Still 1 million questions. Still you find my flaws.. and still you are okay with them..
I want to sink a boat. i want to jsink it with my mind while i am still sleeping in the cabins below. i want to wait until the water rushes past my bed. i want to act like i am concerned. i want to be concerned.. but alas, that is something i have never known...

water fills my cabin. the low muffled thud as the bow hits the ocean floor. now i can leave.. now i can swim to the surface.. if only i had gathered enough breath to make it. oh well.. such is life..

WHy can i not return phone calls..
why can't i follow through with my mix tapes i promise to friends.
why can't i make you a prize?
a book.
a screenplay..
something is seriously wrong with me.. my inspiration is a puddle of shit in a public restroom in queens..

I have no reason to get out of bed these days.. or at least that is the way it seems.. because you don't get out of bed these days..

i hate that i am depressing you.. enough to make you loose hope in us, in art, in happiness..

I am the great ruiner. or at least thats the way it feels as of now..

as of now i hope for change.. and i believe that it could come..
it could come in a flash of over night..

i want to be wise.. with my wallet and my wit..
i want to whoo a world.. to wave a flag with my words written brightly on both sides..

i want someone to hear me... but i am too lazy to speak.. my hands are too lazy to write, however i am writing now.. do you see my contradiction..

think possitively.. think smartly.. think with two brains.. use all of everyones..

don't think, just type..
make yourself do it everyday.. type until the you think you are leaning to one side..
type until your eyes blur but you are still reading..
type until you spin out of your chair..
type with your teeth
type drunk
type high
type sober
type while you sleep.
type out your life story even if you have none
type someone elses
write the word type
type the word write

make sure your story is heard..
or at least hear your own story.